Monday, July 28, 2008

check please.

Just waiting for the break.

I feel like I'm a candle; being burnt from both ends. I don't feel that I'm literally burning but more that I'm being burnt out; with a quickness. I have been on the go, on the grind, fighting for some positive change in my life as of lately.

When I was in Seattle, WA back in June for my best friends wedding I had the chance to get to know one of the groomsman (I was the best man). Rob, is an entrepreneur of sorts and is a talented aggressive skater with an incredibly unique personality and outlook on life. After getting a chance to hang with him and just see him around people I realized that his life follows that pattern in which his tattoos profess; on the front of his fore arms he has "Positive" and "Energy" inked on him. It sounds insignificant when contextualized but it is very powerful when you realize that it actually influence his life.

I've been heavy in my heart and mobile in the mind trying to uncover ways to create a more positive sense of being lately. Life carries so much grief and sorrow and pain that it's seemingly impossible to be optimistic unless your worldview stands firm amidst that torrential downpour; I do firmly believe that a solidified Christian worldview can do that. However, amidst the bitter and restrained religiosity that I've seen exemplified in the name of Christianity I've been utterly numbed at times.

To live a life absent of pride and full of sacrifice is the whole intention of the faith I lay claim to. However, because of my struggles and issues I fall astray to walking the straight and narrow; slide away from being unselfish; pretty much miss the whole point to be honest.

With school and work. With work and school. Life is so chaotic and demanding that I tend to crumble to pessimism and run from optimism; that's sad yet changing.

In the words of Tupac, "baby keep ya' head up." That's what I'm trying to do; keep my head up. That way I don't drown in the flood of life's trials and tribulations.

Monday, July 21, 2008

dim lit faith

a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.

confidence or trust in a person or thing; belief without proof.

I don't know which of these fills my heart but I know which one fills my mind. I know that because I've gone years surrounded by numbed and blind believers and now struggle to solidify any of the things I once thought were legit. I'm not saying that everyone has been like this; but it's been enough to shake me. It's been enough to make me ask the tough questions; to no avail because the questions are normally shaken off by the phrase, "Just go and pray...."

Why is it that a faith smothered in sacrifice and death just attempts with such vigor to fill it's believers with the idea that it's all about white-teethed smiles and good times. Christianity has been for centuries defined by it's immensely-committal followers; martyrdom and such. However, as I've been around in realms and circles I see more of people who know nothing about life and culture and talk nothing about social injustice or the lost people; i just hear about popular and trendy Christian books and cd's and how unrighteous everyone else is.

I've been so submerged in this microcosm of no answers; a place where questions aren't welcome. Asked for so long to just have faith. Just have the one thing that requires we never stop asking questions. Dwelling in utter compromise because of the dire inability to find my way to the surface amidst this torrential downpour of judgment. It's intriguing to me that the one faith that claims to have the absolute answer doesn't encourage the asking of questions.

Don't take this as an outro to my beliefs; because the opposite is truer. I know that to find a faith worth living for I'm going to have to die to such a vast-multiplicity of obstacles; my own pride being the first. This journey shouldn't be laden with grief and guilt but it is; by those who don't understand how hard it truly is for some people to just, "get it."

I'm tired of attempting to appease the majority and fall-in-line to the nonsense that surrounds me. Peace out to the ideology of syncronized beliefs; I'm not following the lambs to the slaughter house anymore. I'm gonna keep asking questions and keep digging. It would be lovely to find others doing the same.


Wednesday, July 02, 2008

wondering about wandering

It's been far too long since I've sat down for long enough to be able to just write. So much has happened since I regularly blogged last; months upon months of life's circumstances have caught me awry and yet nothing, no writing, no true contemplation in literary format.

The plethora of life's dire responsibilities has rendered me somewhat at the will and mercy of the tide; this tide being that of life. I started and finished my senior year of college; much to my own dismay by finishing I only mean that not quite completed my degree; sad but true. I missed the opportunity to graduate with my friends by a mere 12 credits; thanks to poor administration tactics I didn't get the chance to have my family see me achieve this life-long goal; I'm being polite with my verbiage and would love to state that last sentence different but somewhat in fear retribution.

Fighting through some vast depression amidst the uber-hectic pressure of life I've been somewhat numbed nebulously by the chaos. The things that were once solidified in my heart and mind and the grip that was once tight is loosening slowly; upon what I hold dearly only God truly knows. Four years of college life surrounded by strict-and-religious people left me feeling not only uncomfortable but fake and compromised in my own shell.

The confidence in my worldview was tainted and beaten during my time spent in a judgmental hotbox I came to know as home; sadly enough. I allowed myself to slide in and out of the comfortability of doing and saying was expected; not what was normative to me as a unique-created-being. Instead of being myself and standing up for what was legit and righteous; I gave in. Not all the time, but often enough to reveal the compromise within, enough to reveal the lack of solidarity within myself to be consistently me.

Opportunity after opportunity arose where the availability to speak out against certain 'thoughts and ideals' yet I remained hauntingly-silent; not voicing opposition when it was needed. In quiet conversations over java I would disclose my vigilante thoughts about the ways and manners in which things were being done. I would boisterously dispute any righteous claims towards the ridiculous beliefs being shoved down my throat; yet silence lingered dormant.

I found myself yaying and naying things primarily out of obligation; hearing but not listening. Somehow amidst all the noise I lost my voice. The one thing that has since a young age impassioned me to be me, writing, I've allowed myself to be sufficed by the immense busyness of everyday life; a titanic mistake.

So, the last six months has been a monumental and tiresome to say the least journey to retrieve the voice that was lost; not lost in the sense of gone, but lost in the sense of needing to be found. "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost..."-Coldplay. "Not all who wonder are lost..."-Some random bumper sticker. We have all seen it or heard it; life is a journey. As is processing life as I"m starting to discover.

...this is to be continued...