Thursday, January 25, 2007

The beauty of benevolent brutality:

These past few months have been unquestionably the hardest endured in years. The multiplicity of mischief that's been caused by varying life circumstances has been nearly unbearable. The redactor of comfort, the "comfort" zone has been efficiently and unequivocally removed from my semi-futile existence. I have tried everything from laying in solitude and praying for faith to blasting worship music at decimals that would deafen Ozzy himself. I search below the surface, beneath the bone and morrow for more; for a sedative to life's evil and twisted constant pain. I am constantly drawn back to the blood stained dirt which rests at the feet of an immortal man who's life was ended so mine could begin; who's flesh was ripped so I would have the 'chance' to be in sorrow; and in the same manner the chance to be in 'love.'
As day after day goes by I find myself dealing over and over with the real gritty issues of life. Lust, sorrow, pain, grief, dismay, betrayal, wreckage, and deception. Being alone a lot over the break gave me the chance to do some 'soul google'ing'. What I found was someone who once chose God for reasons obvious to most; need for serenity, peace, restoration, acceptance, and love. The dilemma; now, some three years later I've already received in full all of the things I asked of Him. He kept all His promises yet I still sit at the fountain and thirst dreadfully. I am at the waters edge and unable to drink. A fear of moving into my future surrounds me like a heavy dark silk sky blanket; encompassing all I think and know and believe. All is changed, my perception of life darkens. I begin to realize the only thing constant is change: yet in my life right now, change is my greatest fear, my archrival. What if there's no ground on the other side. What if I make this leap of faith and there's nothing to land on? That's my fear.

My thoughts are scattered like the pieces of a thousand puzzles. I cannot seem to grab hold of that once known stability. I once prided myself in being able to innately assemble a solid thought; but I feel as of lately as if my mind is moving so randomly and so rapidly that I am utterly unable to speak clearly, all my words are lost in a chaotic pile of outward noise; no substance to my words.

My uncles health, both physically and spiritually. The dark family secrets that have haunted me since my father's passing, hidden behind my heart. My aunt's deception that clouds our family like the billowing smoke from a plastic plant fire. My increasingly unbearable physical pain. A 21 yr. old college student; seemingly unaffected by a minor fender bender some two months ago: now facing a highly probably Vertebrae repair by an orthopedic surgeon. I can't lie anymore; I am so so so scared! I can't get my friends to understand the pain I'm in; because no matter what I say, I'm still just good ol' Ben to them. Laughing, joyful, cheerful, and outgoing. Right now in my life that is a natural defense mechanism; currently being used subliminally to deter anyone from seeing what's really happening inside. I don't want to believe what the doctor is telling me. I don't want to believe that I can only walk a block or so before having to rest because of the extreme stabbing sensation in my lower back. I refuse to be enslaved by this pain any longer! I am the A.S.B. Vice President and to state it bluntly; my decisions right now impact approximately two-hundred of my peers directly. I no longer want to give in to jokes and laughter; but moreover give into, embrace the tears of bitterness that flood me within. Bitterness from my lack of stability. Bitterness from my lack of security.

I want safety again. I desire to be held in the arms of my loving Father again; arms of comfort, arms of love and grace; protected again. The hours upon hours up at night twisting and turning, plagued by a knife-in-the-back pain. A sharp cutting/stinging sensation; imagine the stress of this situation: two to three hours of sleep nightly for nearly two months, constant job pressure, constant throbbing pain. Perhaps someone of great and immense faith and courage could endure optimistically such a trial; but can I? How come the only person I know who doesn't believe in me is myself? Where did my lack of confidence come from? Is it a symptom of potential 'fallout?'

God: Am I slowly and steadily losing my grip on you? Is the identity of my sonship in you a mere fraud? A fake? Have you become ill from my disobedience? Have I turned your Eyes from me with my lackadaisical approach to your will for my life? Has my failure drawn you away from me? Did I resist the one who found me irresistible? No. I have not lost my chance to be soaked in the incredible anointing of healing redemption, the grace which you promise new daily. Your hand has not passed me, rather it has pursued me. You've picked me from the other billion black sheep; I'm your favorite. My destiny that I once assumed bruised and blemished you've indeed showed me is the opposite; your plan for me is perfect and full of blessings.

Lord, I sit here at my computer and just stare out the window where a blanket of white snow has covered in its entirety my whole view; I realize Lord that your love and grace cover me likewise. Regardless of what's beneath; your forgiveness and mercy are never-ending. Father, I need to experience you in a new and fresh way; interrupt and intervene in my life, help me to desire your will above all things. Its not natural for me to be faithful; help me to do the unnatural.

"If the Lord makes your cup sweet,
Then drink it with grace.
If the Lord makes your cup bitter,
Then drink it in communion with Him.