Thursday, July 22, 2010

walking the median. living the neutral.

Man up. Cowboy up. Quit actin' a bitch. I guess one could find a plethora of ways of stating the necessary, "get up and move on..." Perhaps it's the inter-translation of such words that I struggle with, not just the reality therein. I know that my man-o-meter is probably low and I need to toughen' up and grow some hair on my chest but I just don't think that's going to be done by ignoring what I'm going through and acting like I'm better.

I think I'm tired. Tired of fighting for something better, pressing onwards towards the goal, whatever other Christianese definition you can conjure up. I'm losing heart on all levels in my true desire to see things through in the way I once thought best. I've been breaking my back the last ten-months to see some progress in my life on a vast multiplicity of fronts and still to no avail, here I stand, same spot, same man, same issues.

I've been through a rugged roller-coaster financially and have just had to sit back, hold on, and see how the ride ends. I've felt so out of control these past 10 months and not been able to get any solid grasp on what's coming next. I used to be well-prepared. I used to have a plan. Now, I feel like the proverb, "the man who fails to plan, plans to fail..." It feels alarmingly accurate as of right now as I sit here on a Thursday evening in a Starbucks by myself, wondering what I'll do tomorrow.

Crank away at the same job. Doing free work, yet again. I've been in this same place for so long. Working for the man "every nite and day." I feel as if all this work has no level of fruition and I'm left feeling empty time after time, empty handed and empty handed. I used to think that if you did the right thing for long enough it would pay back dividends ten-fold, now I wonder if all it does is spit back in your face. I've always been the good guy, and now I'm paying for that. I'm paying for not taking the shortcuts and getting ahead when possible.

My attitude and state of heart has always left me in weird situations like this; being totally unsure of the outcome. All the while my friends enter in to their careers and respective life paths here I sit a 25-year old with nothing to show for his life but bad credit and no real job; it feels like failure is what permeates from me. I don't feel like a failure, but I feel like that's what I've been giving out. I don't think failure is what defines me but often times I feel like that's what I accept, despite it's lack of legitimacy. I know I need a mind shift. A change in power. However you want to state it or phrase it.

I'm going to try to get home for a week, see what I have to sell, what I have to do to make that happen. I can't afford to be here anymore. I've failed to prepare wisely and been far-too trusting these past 10 months of others and not considered myself enough. That self-neglect has left me where I am today, with nothing, feeling like nothing. You can't postpone the inevitable so I won't even try. Instead, I'll fight diligently to recapture any valiant spirit that I once had and fight forward towards something greater than myself.

"Rejoice in this divine romance...."

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Light. On the Other Side of a Long Tunnel.

The worst part about a roller coaster is the climb. That always-sketchy clinking climb to the top of a ridiculously high peek right before the hellacious drop to your near death. My life has been so chaotic these past few months and their has been absolute zero certainty in anything; work, personal life, faith, etc. I feel like for every two steps I take forward, I get drug screaming by my hair five-blocks backwards. For every breath of fresh air I breathe I'm hit with the chloroform rag soon thereafter, removing any sense of refreshment.

I feel like the letterman jacket wearing jock years after highschool, still attending all the games and cheering like I belong. But, I'm truly so far out of the game. I'm so far removed from any sense of true belonging it's preposterous that the thoughts of unity still linger. I often talk about how much I miss being back in Oregon with all my pals; people to see daily. Accountability? Yea! Friendship? Yea! Immense codependency? Yea......

I wonder sometimes what options I have in life. Do I pursue the path of education again? Chase down some sad excuse of a career; some underpaid, overworked life. The one thing that scares me, monotony, is the one thing that sadly draws me. I miss the boring life I had in Oregon. I miss some incredible people who devoted themselves in friendship before I just bounced on them; never really finding out what they thought.

Living life selfishly for so long has left me feeling empty and deserted and rightfully so. Does someone really deserve unity and community when its been the one thing they've ran from for years? Yea, I didn't think so. I am starting to realize that in life things come back around; call it fate, call it karma, call it what you want. I need to take a bit more caution in my life and start living for the good of others and not just for myself; that's only going to reap the things I should have been sewing all along.