The Paradox Box
dim lit faith
Pride...
a high or inordinate opinion of one's own dignity, importance, merit, or superiority, whether as cherished in the mind or as displayed in bearing, conduct, etc.
Faith...
confidence or trust in a person or thing; belief without proof.
I don't know which of these fills my heart but I know which one fills my mind. I know that because I've gone years surrounded by numbed and blind believers and now struggle to solidify any of the things I once thought were legit. I'm not saying that everyone has been like this; but it's been enough to shake me. It's been enough to make me ask the tough questions; to no avail because the questions are normally shaken off by the phrase, "Just go and pray...."
Why is it that a faith smothered in sacrifice and death just attempts with such vigor to fill it's believers with the idea that it's all about white-teethed smiles and good times. Christianity has been for centuries defined by it's immensely-committal followers; martyrdom and such. However, as I've been around in realms and circles I see more of people who know nothing about life and culture and talk nothing about social injustice or the lost people; i just hear about popular and trendy Christian books and cd's and how unrighteous everyone else is.
I've been so submerged in this microcosm of no answers; a place where questions aren't welcome. Asked for so long to just have faith. Just have the one thing that requires we never stop asking questions. Dwelling in utter compromise because of the dire inability to find my way to the surface amidst this torrential downpour of judgment. It's intriguing to me that the one faith that claims to have the absolute answer doesn't encourage the asking of questions.
Don't take this as an outro to my beliefs; because the opposite is truer. I know that to find a faith worth living for I'm going to have to die to such a vast-multiplicity of obstacles; my own pride being the first. This journey shouldn't be laden with grief and guilt but it is; by those who don't understand how hard it truly is for some people to just, "get it."
I'm tired of attempting to appease the majority and fall-in-line to the nonsense that surrounds me. Peace out to the ideology of syncronized beliefs; I'm not following the lambs to the slaughter house anymore. I'm gonna keep asking questions and keep digging. It would be lovely to find others doing the same.
Out.
posted by Benny Strength at 7/21/2008 03:38:00 PM
1 Comments:
I hate that phrase "just go and pray about it" or it's equally annoying cousin "ask what the Lord thinks." While the intentions are likely honest and well-meaning, it's still a pathetic excuse and flippant answer. I saw you struggle with this before when I was out at EBC; you had several occasions with some local church group that pretty much told you to shut up and stop asking questions, and I think some similar experiences on campus as well.
Faith in today's American consumer culture is seen as a give-me-more-God, flashy powerpoint shows, gospel-according-to-grandma than the vibrant, powerful, battle that is was before it got Americanized. Having worked in a Christian book store before, and being an avid reader, I can honestly say that 95% of the products you find in a Christian book store are pure crap; teapots with Bible verses, t-shirts with huge crosses and catchy logos, and books promising the path to the "real you" or the "maximum life you can live" are pathetic and make me sick.
Keep asking questions Ben, there is One who has the answer. And those answers are what the greats like Paul, Luther, Edwards, Spurgeon, etc. spent their entire lives pursuing and serving, unlike those who put out a self-help book with a CD to go with it.
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