Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Journey-the event, not the band.

Phew. (Looks at metaphorical watch) Its been a journey.

I feel like I've already lost the two-faithful readers that actually paid attention to this nonsensical nonsense (point proven), either due to old age, or some sort of rare foot-fungus (Don't ask, everyone has fears ya' know?). Since my last update a lot has changed and what I've included is a day by day outline of what has transpired since then.

Just kidding, that would be nonsenseness.

So, for those of you who said I'd never amount to anything, and all I'd ever do with my life is spend it working at a glass blowing tent at the Puyallup Fair being stuck begging for scraps of food on an I-5 offramp somewhere north of Yreka (mom), you were kind of right. I'm working as hard as possible at amounting to less and less daily, and by amounting, I mean weighing. I know what you're thinking, "Oh look, another fat kid trying to lose weight. Maybe he'll publish his journey and amass a following (not a fat joke). However, you are all wrong. I've just been doing a bit here and there to cut back the fourth-meal (in the morning), and hit the old pipes (Again mom, I'm not gay (not that their is anything wrong with that)) at the gym, pumping some iron (Please see aforementioned parenthetical comment).

I've been shipping up and shipping out, or whatever its called when you start to take up less space in an elevator. I've made some major life changes in the past six-months and that's what this is supposed to be about. Like, for instance, I bought a pair of ridiculously overpriced headphones that were made for hip-hop, and I listen to jazz in them just to mess with myself. I also bought a pair of runners shorts just to see the girls reaction at the register in the Lady Footlocker (she gave me one of those, I just 'threw up in my mouth' looks). But, I got her number anyway (in all fairness, her store number is printed on all receipts, apparently). I got a car repossessed off the streets of Hollywood for failing to have registration, insurance, or tags. In my defense, I bought it for way under the blue book from a guy who didn't speak English and seemed intimidated by my broken spanish.

Let's see, what else. Oh yea, I can't forget. I did a bunch of stand-up comedy. If you haven't seen it, what it is, is it's a morbidly obese person (me, in general), on stage talking about life (how bad it is) and telling crazy stories (one-hundred and thirty percent factual) about their fictional families (again, completely factual) and talking about how poor they are (Please see aforementioned parenthetical comment). I got some really good exposure (no, not near elementary schools), people laughed a lot at me (sometimes they laughed at my jokes). I found out how much my friends actually cared about me. They drove (mostly drunk) too and from my shows in Hollywood and paid outrageous amounts of US dollars (a few of them used pesos) and sexual favors (that never happened, to my knowledge) to see me blast the crowd with unfathomable amounts (quite normal, if not sub-average) of laughter and hilarity; to the point of standing ovations (they were all standing, when they walked out).

I found out how much I loved hipsters. If you've never seen one, they look like the kids we used to beat up growing up in the 90's. I found out they don't appreciate my American Flag t-shirt that says, "These Colors Slow Jog" but they did appreciate my tear drop tattoo on my scrabble playing hand. I spent a lot of time (about 2 or 3 total hours) familiarizing myself with the homeless community of Hollywood; even the crazy ones (love you Ted!). I became a bit of a local hero (unspoken, so to speak) in Hollywood for my incredibly brave and courages service (at Denny's graveyard shift). I don't want to say that people came from miles to see me (mainly because no one ever came from a mile away to see me). I saw a man get stabbed by a butter knife in the abdomen; well, in all fairness it might not have been a man.

I got invited to a private screening of, "The United States Treasury Department v. Ben Strength" at the Los Angeles Courthouse a while back, it didn't match up to all the hype (warrants and such). I opted out of going, they kept sending me invites and then borrowed some money to help fund the project. Looking back, this may not have been a movie.

I traveled to a vast multiplicity of lands to do comedy (Washington and Oregon) and they had to block off streets for my arrival (they were under construction also, but that was merely coincendental). I sold out a mostly evangelical crowd filled show at an underground bar called diablo's; I guess the lord works in mysterious ways (or down right awkward and incredibly creepy manners). I finished my tour after several successful shows of me standing in front of large audiences and talking, sweating, and begging little eight pound six ounce baby Jesus to make the faces turn to smiles.

I let go of all that talking in front of crowds stuff for a while, since then I've moved back to the glorious republic of Valencia, a land full of soccer mom's and desperate housewives (redundant). This place was self titled 'Awesometown' according to some studies recently released from an unknown source that I made up. I would say that name is relatively false considering its lack of anything related to 'awesome' in any way, shape, or form. However, in their defense, they do have a Del Taco (and they say we are dreamers).

Now I live in Newhall, CA. I don't speak Spanish but I seem to skate by on my limited knowledge of the soundtrack of "Only The Strong." I'm gaining a bit of a fan base, mostly ceiling, but its a start. I would love to write more but I finished all my beer and don't care enough about what I just wrote to spell check, edit, or even bother re-reading. I will continue updating you (WORLD WIDE INTERWEB WORLD) on the happenings of your friend Ben Strength (or arch rival). If you find any spelling errors, please do me the courtesy of writing them on lead (led?) paper (if that exists) and then swallowing that paper, then go put on a Lynard Skynard album backwards and tell me if your dad held you too much as a child (not sure why that took a nasty turn, like I said, I'm out of beer).

God Bless and such fourth