wondering about wandering

It's been far too long since I've sat down for long enough to be able to just write. So much has happened since I regularly blogged last; months upon months of life's circumstances have caught me awry and yet nothing, no writing, no true contemplation in literary format.

The plethora of life's dire responsibilities has rendered me somewhat at the will and mercy of the tide; this tide being that of life. I started and finished my senior year of college; much to my own dismay by finishing I only mean that not quite completed my degree; sad but true. I missed the opportunity to graduate with my friends by a mere 12 credits; thanks to poor administration tactics I didn't get the chance to have my family see me achieve this life-long goal; I'm being polite with my verbiage and would love to state that last sentence different but somewhat in fear retribution.

Fighting through some vast depression amidst the uber-hectic pressure of life I've been somewhat numbed nebulously by the chaos. The things that were once solidified in my heart and mind and the grip that was once tight is loosening slowly; upon what I hold dearly only God truly knows. Four years of college life surrounded by strict-and-religious people left me feeling not only uncomfortable but fake and compromised in my own shell.

The confidence in my worldview was tainted and beaten during my time spent in a judgmental hotbox I came to know as home; sadly enough. I allowed myself to slide in and out of the comfortability of doing and saying was expected; not what was normative to me as a unique-created-being. Instead of being myself and standing up for what was legit and righteous; I gave in. Not all the time, but often enough to reveal the compromise within, enough to reveal the lack of solidarity within myself to be consistently me.

Opportunity after opportunity arose where the availability to speak out against certain 'thoughts and ideals' yet I remained hauntingly-silent; not voicing opposition when it was needed. In quiet conversations over java I would disclose my vigilante thoughts about the ways and manners in which things were being done. I would boisterously dispute any righteous claims towards the ridiculous beliefs being shoved down my throat; yet silence lingered dormant.

I found myself yaying and naying things primarily out of obligation; hearing but not listening. Somehow amidst all the noise I lost my voice. The one thing that has since a young age impassioned me to be me, writing, I've allowed myself to be sufficed by the immense busyness of everyday life; a titanic mistake.

So, the last six months has been a monumental and tiresome to say the least journey to retrieve the voice that was lost; not lost in the sense of gone, but lost in the sense of needing to be found. "Just because I'm losing, doesn't mean I'm lost..."-Coldplay. "Not all who wonder are lost..."-Some random bumper sticker. We have all seen it or heard it; life is a journey. As is processing life as I"m starting to discover.



...this is to be continued...