Wednesday, September 27, 2006

I hate it when this happens. dang.

I just wrote a phatty blog about school getting started. But this computer is being really blanky blank stupid.
no blog.
not now.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

One Way Street.


That's how I feel right now. I got stumped. I got stomped. Silently; yet painfully.
I never saw it coming. I allowed myself to trust again that it was possible; that it could work; I should have known better should have realized that once they got close they'd bail. The depth; shallow. The trust; broken. My mind; shaken.

You'd think I'd known better. You'd think my guard would have been a bit stronger; my walls a bit higher; my heart a bit harder. But no, it wasn't so.

I let this person in, in to a place few go, this person lacked compassion and common stewardship abilities; now I am suffering. Now I hurt. Now I am in mourning. I feel partially violated in my Spirit, in my heart, and even more so in my mind.

I perceived the interest as mutual; as one would with the given circumstances. I truly believed myself to be one who was uber caution, and in the know concerning such details. I read this person like a book; really thought I had made the right choice on this friendship, thought this relationship (godly) was going to be successful. I foresaw deep meaningful conversations, loving rebukes, integral admonishments. All the benefits of a healthy and godly relationship with a friend.

I was all wrong. I didn't even see it coming. All the while I was sending out love and care, I was receiving shallowness and fluff. The substance I was acquiring was that of what the people in the bus received in "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis; nothing that was of truth or worth. I feel like I gave gold and got copper. I traded diamonds for gravel. I made an unwise investment; I paid in full for a highway of communication, a pathway of encouraging chats; and received an empty one way street. I was there standing alone. I had little left in me, I was empty.

I stand now on this street empty handed. Feeling in a bit of dismay. Unsure of where to go exactly. Do I move on into new friendships; how much do I invest? Is it worth it to hurt again in such a dreadful of now, my answer is clearly, "no!" Perhaps it will change. With time. With God's healing hand.

I feel like a rental car. Driven rough and tough and left to rust.

Life is as such; fortunately I serve a great God. A God of redemption. A God who brings healing and wholeness to His broken children. Come tonight Holy Father and minister to me in my time of need; bring truth and revelation, only You are truly able. Help me.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Niko is for Freakos'

Wow. I just got back from one of the most intense and absolutely incredible experiences of my life. I spent three.75 days at Niko Salem. It is a YWAM based organization that does wilderness leadership training and unity bonding stuff.

The worst part of all this is, I can't tell you a single thing really. Its part of the Niko pact that no one talks about Niko to anyone, unless they've already been there.

But, what I can say is that I absolutely hated it the first two days, I was stretched beyond belief physically and mentally and was wanting to just come home, then day three came. I wanted to die, I was in incredible pain and stressed out. Then the end came, and I was like, "Wow God, where did that come from.'

If you ever get the chance to go to Niko in Salem, Oregon for your school or business or your church, do it...You will never forget or regret it.

PS> I got a twig jabbed in my side and it was officially considered a "puncture wound". So I can officially say God stabbed me. And, I have about four awesomely placed blisters on my feet, they feel great, like the twig side.

So Yeah,

theirs your 'need to know' information. Do with it what you will...


A Greek word meaning to conquer, to overcome.

Niko is a five day wilderness leadership training program where you step out and discover more about who God has made you to be. Your learning environment will be the great outdoors, the "classroom of life". You will learn skills vital to working as a team, being a leader, and pushing yourself beyond the limits you thought you could never overcome. We have seen major changes in groups as they learn to surrender their individual rights and become interdependent on each other as they grow in their dependence on Jesus our Rock. Come with us as we discover God in new ways!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

P-Town Adventure


That was the sound of me standing up and stretching gracefully as the sun poured into my room yesterday morning...bright and early...ten a.m.

My good friend and soon to be co-worker Brian Rach and I had decided the night before last that a day trip to Portland was well needed, and totally doable. So, we filled up his 2001 Hyundai Elantra at the Space-Age gas station on Eleventh and Wal-Mart st. in west Eugene and headed out onto the freeway to begin our adventure.

We drove about forty minutes with the Fascination 1 c.d. playing in the background. Fascination 1 is an incredible worship c.d. put out by Ihop (not the pancake house, the prayer house). We jammed out and head banged to that for a while before realizing that neither one of us had eaten anything, all morning. "Ouch" I said as my stomach growled fiercely. "Oh" Brian grunted with authority as we decided to take the next exit where we would venture off to find the A.W. that the sign said existed. (I am a bit of a skeptic of the validity of those 'restaurant' signs, my hearts been broken to many times on family road trips. 'McDonalds' ahead, then we go, and the McDonalds is a Jiggles Bar and Grill. Yeah, I hate the Highway Maintenance Staff, they lie!)

We soon departed after waiting a few minutes for them to partially cook the kelp or hamburger or whatever the piece of meat was they were attempting to grill was. I didn't really care, Brian and I pounded our burgers down quickly and continued in the head banging and rockin' in the tradition of awesome road trips.

We arrived in P-Town some time after 1pm. Our first mission was to find ourselves a place to park. We found a little pull in garage only a block from Powell’s Book Store. Neither one of us really cared how much the parking would cost us. We both just came from cities this summer where parking was well over $30 for the day. So, we knew it wouldn't be that much, so we didn't care. (I was in Munich; he was in New York City.)

We strolled over to Powell's and spent well over an hour just walking around ooing and awing and the awesome display of literary supplies. I could seriously put up a tent in that place and stay there forever. I was absolutely amazed and just how much one person could learn by spending a few hours daily reading. Politics, arts, science, history; their is seriously endless potential. So much to know, so much to learn.

I bought a few winners myself. One about a guy who travels the states as a homeless person just to see what it’s like to be a transient. A test of faith to say the least. The other is a Penguin publishing bi-lingual short stories book (deutsch and english).

We then walked over to Stumptown Coffee House off Burnside and 3rd Avenue. Walking into this place was almost better then actually tasting the coffee. The twenty-something foot high ceiling and abstract art plastered across the modern style walls, the alarming amount of apple computers gave it a "Macintosh" commercial feeling. I felt right at home. I ordered a triple Americano and Brian ordered a large house coffee. We sat and rad out books for about an hour or so (downing our drinks like Kenny Rogers at Happy Hour) before I decided to buy a pound of the espresso whole bean coffee, "Hair Bender Blend."

Brian and I then frolicked over to where the car was parked and paid the comfortable $5.50 and drove up to 23rd street to do a little window shopping and dessert eating. One of our first stops was my absolute favorite gift shop in Portland, "WhAm!" This place has thousands and thousands of hilarious and artsy postcards. Everything from good clean fun to profanity filled "I hate you" cards, very exhilarating. I wanted to purchase this magnet with George Bush saying, "They misunderestimated me." Not because I don't like Bush, just because I realize my president couldn't win a spelling bee; that's all. Go George W!

Simple Misunderestimation.

We walked around a bit more before heading over to Papa Haydn’s Restaurant. I must honestly say I haven't been in a place that nice for years; it was super classy. And there's me, with my Dolce shades and my Munich Hard Rock Cafe t-shirt. I ordered some wildly delicious Georgian Peanut Butter something and Brian ordered some Strawberry delight thing. We drank coffee and talked about life and friendships. I spoke a bit about the frustrations of re-entry and he related it a little to his returning from Africa with YWAM some three or four years ago. Very interesting, very helpful.

After this we did some more window shopping and then jumped in the ol' green machine (Hyundai) and took off for Eugene. The road trip back was comfortable; laughing often at the crazy amount of cops out and laughing even harder at the people that were pulled over. "Sucks to be them...." "Yeah, sucks to be them." Good times.

So yeah, that was my trip. It was more fun than writing this obnoxiously long blog. Believe it or not...
You can leave a comment if you’re able to relate to sweet one day vacations; if not; please refrain from leaving me a comment. lol. That was a joke. Comment away.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Oh Mother: I'm an addict!

This cannot be a good sign.

Its simple, I could quit; if I wanted to. But why would I do such a stupid thing? I mean honestly, what has it ever done to me. Its been there when I needed it; it never lets me down. When I am in genuine need of companionship its always there waiting for me, I never have to go far to find it. That's right! I am referring to coffee. And yes, I am an addict; now quick, ask me if I care.

I think this may have been a true story.

I am a realist in the rawest form; I must be real with myself. I know that if I were to wake up everyday at five o'cklock and get ready for work, I would be absolutely unable to without at least a cup of coffee stirring around inside of me. I would end up going to work in some combat books and a mini-skirt; looking like a go' go' girl.

Then. Out of nowhere I here someone suggesting decaf. That's like asking for soda without the syrup, or milk without the cow. That's just dumb. That really makes no sense.

I started drinking coffee about three and a half years ago. I think it got started through watching my uncle and dad knock out three to four pots a day for 16 years but maybe that's just subliminal. Maybe its from always smelling coffee and becoming immune to the yellow teeth it created. My first drink was a Carmel Machioto (bad spelling?) from Starbucks. They say once you go fat you never go back, I say once you go black you never go back. (reference is to coffee.)

I tried other forms of coffee after this but many just wouldn't do.
I tried folgers...

that crap isn't going in my cup!
I tried Seattle's best...

If that's the best Seattle has, I say burn down the city. (Starbucks originated there; Starbucks good...other coffee bad.)

Many may say that I've fallen into the corporate conglomorate brainwashing trap; I say, "okay?" I say if a latte is going to cost me $ better be good. I say if a Frappe is going to cost me $ better be amazing. I would rather pay outrageously rediculous prices and drink good coffee, then pay a dollar and drink liquid hot sick.

Coffee is humurous...

The comradarie that coffee brings out is what matters the most. Many people call Starbucks St. Arbucks because so many believers are meeting there. Churches across the world are meeting on Sunday's in coffee houses. I am not saying that Starbucks is necessarily the "best" coffee but it is the most consistent.

Here in Eugene I am blessed to know of many fine coffee houses and endulge their often. But, if I am abroad and out on a limb; I know I can count of Fortune 500's number (200 something) best employer, Starbucks.

If you hate coffee. Well. Sorry.