Thursday, July 09, 2009

Channeling Change

It's been quite a while since I've come back to a place where writing feels normative and thinking feels awkward. Perhaps a lot of people who say that both have to take place, simultaneously, in order for anything worthy of reading is computed through the brain and into the fingertips; I disagree. Sometimes I almost have to shut my mind up so my heart can talk. It has been such a bitter-sweet past few months here in Eugene, OR for me; and that's an understatement.

Having the blissful and beautiful opportunity to FINALLY complete my Bachelors degree at Eugene Bible College has had it's up's and Downs; everything from being reunited with old friends to being reconnected with the alternative. It was however, nostalgic in the most impressive of manners to have the chance to finally complete something again in my life. It's almost as if I only knew how to start new things, but lacked the know-how or sticktoitevness to actually finish anything in life.

Wrapping up my time at E.B.C. was immensely more difficult then I ever thought it would be; both emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. I had somewhat figured that the 21 credit class load would be mentally stressful, and the departure of many friends would be emotionally difficult, but I never considered the difficulties on a deeper level, spiritually, that I would endure as I left this place; as I left what I've known as home for the past five-years.

Many say home is where the heart is, and never truer than the day I found myself waking up, no longer a student, no longer associated in any legit-manner to that place where my identity was wrapped up and entangled in for most of my adult life thus far. Recreating something is seemingly more difficult than merely creating it; all the presuppositions and past-ramifications of both decisions from the inside and choices from the outside have their way in the re-creation process. What I mean, for clarification sake, is that when I came to this place my identity was utterly-and-holistically transformed from the inside-out. Now, leaving this place after five-years of intense training on a vast multiplicity of levels both academic and social and spiritual, I struggle to discover and uncover what my true identity is beyond my attachment and association with that place.

So who am I? Who is Ben Strength? I know what many people would say about me; both the good, the bad, and of course, the ugly. I know my faults, my flaws, my failures, and I could list them by memory faster than you could say "lego my ego" (that's really fast). However, instead of attempting to establish an identity solely based on who I am I think I'll take this time in my life to discover more of what I am; what lays in the innermost, beyond and beneath the flesh,bone, and morrow of the real me. It's not something that is revealed merely through some dismal words on a page, I think it is peeled back slowly through trials, tribulations, and temptations; all which have come, are here, and are rapidly approaching.

Thanks for reading, more to come,

To be continued...

(I just always wanted to say that.)