Saturday, December 20, 2008

Life moves.

It is great being back home here in the frozen tundra of Spokane, Washington. A record setting snowfall was bestowed upon my beautiful northwest hometown just a mere-48hrs prior to my arrival; as if the heavens laid a blanket out before me as a welcome home gift. I had the blessed opportunity to fly standby out of Eugene into Spokane today; not having to wait for a single delay or flight I was counting blessings the entire way home from the airport.

I've been down in the core of beauty in Eugene, Oregon for about five-years now and have just now come to a place where I'm mixing into the mold of what I am, what I'm becoming, and what I'll forever be. Eradicating vigorously the un-necessities (made up word) of life as I know it and attempting to find myself amidst the chaos and commotion; this great city is changing me.

I initially moved to Eugene, Oregon to attend Eugene Bible College and receive a degree that I hoped would spur me into a Master's program that would thenceforth grant me the chance to go for a Master's in Business; all of these things have occurred or are happening as we speak; but nothing has been as planned. Yes, I said this is why I came down here but the person that sold all his junk (priceless treasures...pawned off) and moved to Eugene in the matter of 48hr notice is not the same person that stares distinctively back at me in the reflection of the computer screen I sit at; typing.

I used to have so many desires and passions. I remember being carried away aimlessly in my mind time after time, giving myself over to thoughts of becoming so much more than what I am now. But, as time has progressed and I've begun to realize that who I am and who I'm becoming is one in the same; sequential glances of the past and future uniquely intertwined into a woven tapestry of disaster, love, wrath, peace, beauty, simplicity, etc. This person who I have fought to become has battled back to remain; wrestled to just 'be' amidst the constant 'doing'.

Working full time has had its way with me in a multiplicity of fashions. I've learned to both love work and despise it. Not the place, not the people, not the act, but the fulfillment or the lack thereof. For so long, and for so many years I attributed success by an unrealistic measurement; one of competition and not of completion. Being fulfilled and finding fulfillment ofter times swerve to miss one another on the course to progress; sometimes only splitting disaster and missing failure by the skin on the teeth.

I am thoroughly enjoy life right now. I am not saying it has been easy because I have lost so much in the last year it has nearly destroyed me. However, remaining and sustaining has created within me an instinctual desire to press forward in hopes that the pain can someday recede and that I would find enough joy in life and people and love to cover the gaping holes of lacking in my heart, soul, mind, and spirit. I've seen the coldest hearts in the warmest people; and the warmest hearts in the coldest people. I've been spit out and abandoned by the ones who laid claim to love me the most; left vacant in my inner most being.

I refuse to allow the darkness of the human will to push me to a point of retreat; the fight is in all of us to do good, it's the action that's misconstrued. I want to become so much more than broken and recycled, but in search of completion and wholeness I have found everything but that; somewhere in the tunnel of life's dim-lit-dimensions I will find peace, I will find love, I will find comfort, I will find companionship, I will find truth, I will find purpose, and I will find myself.