my ratiocinate revoking of your ridiculous resolutions

"Well Laddy' Friggin' Da" as the late-great Chris Farley would have said. An even later-greater had this to say in regards to these resolutions that you've all made so nonchalantly; "New Year's Day… now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual" (Mark Twain). I have never made a New Year's Resolution that I couldn't achieve, mainly because I've never made one. Therefore, in accordance to that ratiocinate approach I am currently undefeated in my efforts; yet to be thwarted by progress or the lack thereof.

Jay Leno made this quaint observation: "Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average… which means, you have met your New Year's resolution." I used to love watching friends in high school and college maneuver up mentally these intense schemes and plans to overcome the greatest of trials with mere-resolutions. In all of that time I never saw one develop into full-fruition; they were usually dismantled by a unique concoction of lacking-discipline and overwhelming-frustration. And, more often than not, if the person was at-all overweight their goal was to lose 150lb's in 2-3 months, you know, something reasonable and humanly possible like that. I think they'd probably have to die and decompose before they achieved that goal in the ninety-days desired.

However, year after year people spend all that hardly-earned Christmas money from grandma on personal training sessions, miracle diet plans, and dvd's with Tony Little on them. The gym is the emptiest place in November, but the busiest place in January. It's kind of like watching the biggest loser; it's a bunch of fat people running around and crying in brand new shoes and work-out-gear (I can say that, I've been there). The most comical aspect of this push towards skinniness (not healthiness, they could care less about that) is that after about two-weeks of sweating like Reginald Denny at a South-Central-Stoplight they call it quits. It's funny and sad at the same time. All that hard work blown by unrealistic expectations and severe lacking in the area of genuine accountability.

So, you still want to make some New Year's Resolutions? What are yours? You want to be nicer? You want to save more money? Here is an idea. If you want to be nicer just quit being a jerk. If you're trying to save some money then actually use your check register and track your expenditures; that will be all the reality check you need. So, wow, I just helped you accomplish those goals and you didn't even have to wait until January to do it; but, you did. Now you can't sit back in full-recline on that grungy Cheetos-stained lazy boy shirtless, diggin' out a skittle from the cushions while you complain about how you can't find the channel-clicker-thing. You've got the knowledge and now you just need the motivation.

So, here is the point in the blog where your starting to feel a little risky. Your thinking to yourself, it is the year, this is the year where I'll conquer this seemingly-inevitable poorness, or fatness, or whatever'ness. However, just because you think it's going to happen doesn't mean it will. I thought I'd be an astronaut; and now I carry meat around on a plate for people who don't like to tip. Mere-desire is not the fuel needed to carry anyone to overcoming years of gluttony, poor spending, or any other long-term developed bad habits. Planning. It's planning that will make the difference in the end; "the man who fails to plan, plans to fail..."

Perhaps this blog seems harsh, rude, uncharacteristically poignant, or just flat out mean. Well, the most important question to ask then is this, "Are you offended?"If you are than your exactly where I expected you to be if any of this blog applies to you. Why? Well, it's simple. We are reactionary beings, as well as creatures of habit. So, for those of you fighting the urge to send a bomb to my home or pop-my-mini-van-tires, calm down and slow your role.

I used to get offended easily when it came to people cracking jokes about the obese, the poor, etc. However, then I started realizing that more times then not, it's earned. Not noble or polite, but earned nonetheless. I'm not saying that it's always as such but it is more often than not. Their are rare situations where the economy, or genetics, or hereditary transferring, or something else can be blamed. In those somewhat less-often circumstances then grace is deserved and given; but, for the ones who are eating themselves to death and spending money like MC Hammer circa 1990's, their is no grace here for you.

Happy New Year! I guess I forgot to say that earlier in this blog and I'm not going to revise it or attempt to sneak it in somewhere towards the front of this rant slash motivational speech. I wouldn't want to falsify the overall desired feeling of this excerpt by starting off on a joyful phrase like "Happy New Year!" I have killed myself physically over the past five months to whip myself into some shape; it's still a circle. I have crushed any ounce of remaining offended'ness to drown out the sense of entitlement that once drenched my every part of being. Now, some five-months later, and fifty-plus pounds lighter I've uncovered the real me. I don't mean it physically, but more so metaphorically; under layers of laziness and self-pity.

So, you want a New Year's Resolution worthy of your time and efforts? Ok, get a pen and some paper and write this down. Post this in your rear view mirror, on your bathroom mirror, on your computer screen at work, and wherever else you think you'll see it multiple times a day. It's very simple, so here she goes, "Try." That's it, did you catch it? I'll say it once more for those of you who may have skipped through the writings to get to the good stuff (as if their is any), "Try." I know it seems ludicrous that I would give you that minute-piece of simplistic advice, but I can't convince you enough how much of a game-changer that is.

Their is a minutely-and-intrinsically fine line between motivation and laziness. It isn't some broad valley where motivation is on the east and laziness on the west; the opposite is truer. To be motivated genuinely you have to understand the sacrifice prior to making the commitment. You want to lose some weight? It's not a magic trick. No one is going to pull a skinny bunny out of a fat bunny in a top hat; sorry for that visual. You need to burn more calories than you eat, that is the way to lose weight. You want to save some money? Cut out all the unnecessary (or the majority) expenditures that you currently have; especially the residual ones (xbox live, netflix, etc). So, Happy New Year! Take your resolutions and crumple them up and throw them into the fire, they are meaningless. Make some real resolutions for your life, for the long-term, that will give you the health and happiness that you are seeking.