The Paradox Box
One Way Street.
Yuck.
That's how I feel right now. I got stumped. I got stomped. Silently; yet painfully.
I never saw it coming. I allowed myself to trust again that it was possible; that it could work; I should have known better should have realized that once they got close they'd bail. The depth; shallow. The trust; broken. My mind; shaken.
You'd think I'd known better. You'd think my guard would have been a bit stronger; my walls a bit higher; my heart a bit harder. But no, it wasn't so.
I let this person in, in to a place few go, this person lacked compassion and common stewardship abilities; now I am suffering. Now I hurt. Now I am in mourning. I feel partially violated in my Spirit, in my heart, and even more so in my mind.
I perceived the interest as mutual; as one would with the given circumstances. I truly believed myself to be one who was uber caution, and in the know concerning such details. I read this person like a book; really thought I had made the right choice on this friendship, thought this relationship (godly) was going to be successful. I foresaw deep meaningful conversations, loving rebukes, integral admonishments. All the benefits of a healthy and godly relationship with a friend.
I was all wrong. I didn't even see it coming. All the while I was sending out love and care, I was receiving shallowness and fluff. The substance I was acquiring was that of what the people in the bus received in "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis; nothing that was of truth or worth. I feel like I gave gold and got copper. I traded diamonds for gravel. I made an unwise investment; I paid in full for a highway of communication, a pathway of encouraging chats; and received an empty one way street. I was there standing alone. I had little left in me, I was empty.
I stand now on this street empty handed. Feeling in a bit of dismay. Unsure of where to go exactly. Do I move on into new friendships; how much do I invest? Is it worth it to hurt again in such a dreadful manner...as of now, my answer is clearly, "no!" Perhaps it will change. With time. With God's healing hand.
I feel like a rental car. Driven rough and tough and left to rust.
Life is as such; fortunately I serve a great God. A God of redemption. A God who brings healing and wholeness to His broken children. Come tonight Holy Father and minister to me in my time of need; bring truth and revelation, only You are truly able. Help me.
That's how I feel right now. I got stumped. I got stomped. Silently; yet painfully.
I never saw it coming. I allowed myself to trust again that it was possible; that it could work; I should have known better should have realized that once they got close they'd bail. The depth; shallow. The trust; broken. My mind; shaken.
You'd think I'd known better. You'd think my guard would have been a bit stronger; my walls a bit higher; my heart a bit harder. But no, it wasn't so.
I let this person in, in to a place few go, this person lacked compassion and common stewardship abilities; now I am suffering. Now I hurt. Now I am in mourning. I feel partially violated in my Spirit, in my heart, and even more so in my mind.
I perceived the interest as mutual; as one would with the given circumstances. I truly believed myself to be one who was uber caution, and in the know concerning such details. I read this person like a book; really thought I had made the right choice on this friendship, thought this relationship (godly) was going to be successful. I foresaw deep meaningful conversations, loving rebukes, integral admonishments. All the benefits of a healthy and godly relationship with a friend.
I was all wrong. I didn't even see it coming. All the while I was sending out love and care, I was receiving shallowness and fluff. The substance I was acquiring was that of what the people in the bus received in "The Great Divorce" by C.S. Lewis; nothing that was of truth or worth. I feel like I gave gold and got copper. I traded diamonds for gravel. I made an unwise investment; I paid in full for a highway of communication, a pathway of encouraging chats; and received an empty one way street. I was there standing alone. I had little left in me, I was empty.
I stand now on this street empty handed. Feeling in a bit of dismay. Unsure of where to go exactly. Do I move on into new friendships; how much do I invest? Is it worth it to hurt again in such a dreadful manner...as of now, my answer is clearly, "no!" Perhaps it will change. With time. With God's healing hand.
I feel like a rental car. Driven rough and tough and left to rust.
Life is as such; fortunately I serve a great God. A God of redemption. A God who brings healing and wholeness to His broken children. Come tonight Holy Father and minister to me in my time of need; bring truth and revelation, only You are truly able. Help me.
posted by Benny Strength at 9/24/2006 12:05:00 AM
2 Comments:
Ben, you don't know the seeds that you have planted in that persons life. Don't get discouraged! Well and I hope that you aren't discouraged anymore. I don't even know when you wrote this. Either way, the time and the investment that you put into a friendship gives something to that person... and sometimes it takes people awhile to realize it. Don't let that stop you.. God calls us for relationship, and he never gives up on us... so keep speaking into people's lives and keep letting people into yours, because without both you can't give the Chirst and you can't recive some of the blessings that Christ wants to give you. you limit yourself, trust me I know, I learned the hard way... and if you get into a habit of keeping to much gaurd it is a lot harder to get out of (for example me)... anyways just a rambling note, to say that you have so much wisdom and so much to give to people.. don't let that stop you from sharing who God is through you!!
Love ya bro and praying for you,
Kelsie.
ps I love the fact that you are going to start getting up early again! I loved doing that in Eugene... some of my favorite times both here in Bend and there are when I was watching the sun rise, with my coats/blankets and coffee and my bible on my lap!! tell me how it looks there one of these times. I kinda miss it a little!
If you are a rental car, that person probably had a drive to remember (way different than the film).
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