Wednesday, July 07, 2010

Light. On the Other Side of a Long Tunnel.


The worst part about a roller coaster is the climb. That always-sketchy clinking climb to the top of a ridiculously high peek right before the hellacious drop to your near death. My life has been so chaotic these past few months and their has been absolute zero certainty in anything; work, personal life, faith, etc. I feel like for every two steps I take forward, I get drug screaming by my hair five-blocks backwards. For every breath of fresh air I breathe I'm hit with the chloroform rag soon thereafter, removing any sense of refreshment.

I feel like the letterman jacket wearing jock years after highschool, still attending all the games and cheering like I belong. But, I'm truly so far out of the game. I'm so far removed from any sense of true belonging it's preposterous that the thoughts of unity still linger. I often talk about how much I miss being back in Oregon with all my pals; people to see daily. Accountability? Yea! Friendship? Yea! Immense codependency? Yea......

I wonder sometimes what options I have in life. Do I pursue the path of education again? Chase down some sad excuse of a career; some underpaid, overworked life. The one thing that scares me, monotony, is the one thing that sadly draws me. I miss the boring life I had in Oregon. I miss some incredible people who devoted themselves in friendship before I just bounced on them; never really finding out what they thought.

Living life selfishly for so long has left me feeling empty and deserted and rightfully so. Does someone really deserve unity and community when its been the one thing they've ran from for years? Yea, I didn't think so. I am starting to realize that in life things come back around; call it fate, call it karma, call it what you want. I need to take a bit more caution in my life and start living for the good of others and not just for myself; that's only going to reap the things I should have been sewing all along.

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