Thursday, November 11, 2010

ostentatious authenticity


Ode to joy my friends, tis' happened once more and here we stand at the banks of the shallow waters of authenticity abandonment. Yes, even us, those few so true to ourselves are here gathered together to converse about the muck in the water; the yuck on the beaches. The pretentious conceptual lacking that has led to these crowded waters is obvious; a lack of identity. I would say many here could be sued for defamation of character; but who's you ask? Their own!

I warned those 3 or 4 of you that read my writings that we'd talk about identity again. Its not as if I am throwing you a curve ball here folks. How can we not talk about such an advantageous-atrocity that is attacking the very being of our self-identity; infiltrating it and manipulating it. What do we end up with? Its simple: a bunch of walking and talking zombies, all puppets on a string, a unique-concoction of talking heads. Craniums filled with other people's motives, desires, holistically void of any independence.

I am not an artist. I'm not a skater. I'm hardly a hard-core gangster. I'm clearly not much of a goth. I'd be a terrible surfer. I can't fit into GAP capri's so that rules out a yuppie. I don't wear black-brim glasses so I'm clearly not a writer. I'm not rich so I'm obviously not a rich guy. Out of all the things I know I'm not, I've found out what I am. I think their is a unique aspect of discovering self that occurs when we uncover what we 'aren't.'

I knew from a young age that I'd surely be a fire-fighter or a cop. You know? As I grew up I realized that only male-strippers get to be both of those in the same night; and they get to dance for a job. Not a bad gig, except for the obvious negative aspects involved therein. I figured when those two didn't come true I'd most certainly play in the NBA or join the special forces. I've told you before that their was a plethora of opportunistic moments in my life that were never seized as such; they were hardly even seen. I was busy hooking people on Mortal Kombat while the true NBA potentials were outside throwing up hook shots.

I missed a lot of opportunities in my life by avoiding the reality of my own potential. I've gone to 3 colleges but only possess 1 degree. I'm not saying 1 out of 3 is necessarily bad; a lot of things in life are 1 out of 3. I don't want to stifle the awesomeness of the 1 out of 3 ratio, it's not fair to give that a bad name just because it didn't help me. I've come to realize at the righteous (or not) age of 25 that life is not as black and white as we sometimes want to make it; or as black and white as Kanye West/or/George Bush want to make it.

I used to think you had to get a college degree to pursue your dreams; after graduating college I realized that was my dream. It was not only my dream but it was the dream of my father; one of the last things he asked of me was that I finished school. I still remember the weeks following my fathers death, a somber time in life. My dad, in a story book ending sort of way left a video for my sister and I to view after his death. He was going in for a surgery where the success rate was surprisingly high but must have had a feeling that things weren't going to end well. The video is personal and private and the details are to remain as such; I can however, in good conscience disclose that his will for me was to finish school and to finish strong.

So, your probably asking yourself why in the world did Ben just throw a downer like that into this writing about identity? Well, I did it to show you that I'm as much of a hypocrite as the next guy. I'm a hypocrite in the rawest sense of the word, I am an 'actor' (Greek definition of 'Hypokrites'-an actor). I'm attempting vigorously despite an abundance of life's trials and tribulations to overcome the mutiny of mundane living with a sense of joy and thankfulness. I am throwing into the mix an Academy worthy portrayal of uber-contentment despite the world throwing every sting of uncertainty and disdain in my direction.

I guess the reality of identity is that at the end of the day it's all open to interpretation. People looking from the outside in like a surgeon with a scalpel ready to play a game of 'operation' on your identity; not holding back on the buzzer, just going at you with everything they have. It's almost old school Soviet to consider people open to our identity-experiments-but we do it on a day to day basis when we judge people unlawfully with our looks, our words, and most sadly our actions. Where is grace in the understanding of identity?

We as individuals and moreover as a culture have softened our reigns on the important issues of identity and gone Rambo on the menial issues. I want to live a life where I see people around me pursing their dreams but not pursuing their passions. I guess many folks will disagree with me here, even going as far as saying you cannot separate the two. However, if I chased every passion I've had in my life I'd be locked up for life in San Quentin Penitentiary; along with the rest of western civilization if they'd followed suit. Our passions and our dreams are often times so disenchanted with one another it feels like we've got the Jiminy Cricket complex. When we follow our passions we are following the immediate desire. However, when we chase our dreams we are advancing strategically, like Patton on Rommel, with militaristic vigor to achieve something far more than a mere-emotional accomplishment.

Thoreau once said, "our truest life is when we are in dreams awake..." Their is something inspiring, on a deep level, when you see someone operating in holistic-cooperation their divine gifting. It is so rapidly apparent when you see a person who is so at peace with their profession; knowing they are doing what they love, and love doing it. I know that life isn't always so simple. We want to define ourselves and discover who we are amidst a world throwing such a vast-multiplicity of thoughts and opinions our way. Although we mustn't lose heart in the journey towards unveiling the great mystery which is our authenticity revealed.

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