Ignorance isn't bliss; it's brisk.

I often times wonder how thin the line of differentiation between strong-willed and stubborn is. I've heard it said so many times in life, "...you must choose your battles wisely..." I used to love to argue. When I was in college I would look for just about any reason to get into a debate; I lived and breathed and eat argumentative conversations. I would play Devils' Advocate to the most horrific of clients in a situational-sense; just to see if I could bury someone in their own lack of knowledge. I had a sneer and a legitimately immature nature about my approach to apologetic's and intellectualism in general.

I came from humble beginnings, and had a GPA damn near lower than my BAL (blood alcohol level) my freshmen & sophomore years. The need to argue seemed to stem from a necessity of being right; a desire to not be fooled. I still had so many selfish and unannounced insecurities that I was unknowingly battling subconsciously to keep undetected; it was a fermentation of self-righteousness. Somehow in my upbringing I'd struggled with a substantial inferiority complex and it was rearing it's ugly head yet again.

Growing up I always compared myself to those around me; we were the richest poor kids in our whole neighborhood. However nonsensical and paradoxical that may seem, it was true. The only kids with more stuff than us (my sister & I) were the Native kids because their parents would spend all the money from work on alcohol-cigarettes-and scratch tickets and just use the Government Reparations checks for new Seahawks Jerseys and Air Jordan's. So, when my circle of influence was limited to East Marshall Avenue I felt pretty good about myself and all my awesome possessions; bike, food, hat, moon-boots and sweat pants, etc.

However, elementary school served me a cold-dish of reality; along with a 2% chocolate milk box and some tater-tots. I started noticing that kids thought more about what you didn't have, than what you did. So, all those years of caring about the essentials left me feeling pretty unfortunate in consideration to the vast array of novelties these kids possessed; Gameboys, name-brand pencils, fancy manila folders, etc. I tried to act like I didn't care because their wasn't a night that I went home to my family that I felt unloved, or unappreciated, which I know many other kids couldn't say. So, I realized that although I didn't have everything I had plentiful.

However, that realization didn't come to me as a kid, I think it came as an adult. I think I was in college when I started really understanding that possession is 9/10th of the law, and the other 1/10 was what I had, whatever that was, it sure wasn't 'possessions' (That was a joke, fyi). I laughed out of minor-insanity throughout college; somewhat stranded in disbelief with the amount of blessings some kids had bestowed upon them. I'm not talking blessings like natural athletic ability or an abnormal academic prowess; I mean possessions ($ included of course). It took me by surprise because it never really bothered me much in high-school; I felt fairly content with what I had, and with what I didn't.

I found myself on a slippery-slope of self doubt throughout those first few years in college; overcompensating on a logical level where I lacked on a financial one. It sounds awkward to those who haven't battled those same demons but I assure you it's as prevalent and dangerous as any other internal-struggle. I so wanted to be on that same level as others that I felt a need to elevate myself to meet them at their level and attempt to beat them at their own game. However, all I did was alienate myself by categorizing everyone else as unappreciative. In a comical reverse of roles I had seemingly become the person that I despised the most.

It's been a few years since I graduated college and I find myself thinking fondly of those times in life regardless of all the irregularities and struggles therein. I know that going through that transformation of humility I came out on the other side a much more gracious and thankful person. Occasionally I'll still find myself fighting a strong urge to argue and debate, but now so more than ever it tends to be for much more legitimate purposes. I catch drifts and whiffs of many debates, primarily theological, within my own circle of influence and I tend to dodge them like McGwire on trial. I find myself caring less about arguing and being much more interested in being a source of encouragement as apposed to a source of discontent to the people around me.

"He who exalts himself shall be humbled, but he who humbles himself shall be exalted..." (Luke 14:11). The reality is that it's tough to enjoy the benefits of living a humble life when you've fought so diligently to be exalted; in the eyes of others, and most importantly, yourself. Our culture has built up a false understanding of success that is based more on money than merit; so we have all at one point or another striven to achieve such. However, as we embark towards a life assimilated upon the splendor of humility and thankfulness we only leave peace in our wake; not destruction. Thanks for reading and have an awesome day full of reflection.