Life Lately

Wow.

I don’t know how else to explain the last month of my life. I have had some extreme highs and some tremendous lows. I went from getting to see my family for the first time in nine months to being plagued with incredibly debilitating migraines. I went from starting the most incredible job as the Associated Student Body Vice President to being involved in a run of the mill auto accident. It has been an eccentric last month or so to say the least; I cannot remember a time in my life where such joy was mixed with such pain and I must say that through it all God has been God; constant and unchanging in His love; regardless of how I may fail to see his grace at times its still new every morning.

I remember when I first gave my life to Christ how insane the choice seemed to my immediate family and closest friends. I can recall vividly conversations regarding the, “mistake” I was making; the fluke I was falling for. I am able to recite word-by-word the piercing comments and rants of exasperation from the best of friends; both young and old. “It’s a waste of time.” “It’s fake.” “There is nothing after this life; face it!” I have to honestly admit that although I may not have allowed it to take toll on me then but when I find myself in the lowest-of-lows, such memories plague me. When I am in the pit and feel stung by life I want nothing more than to hear the clear still voice of my Father, yet something is hindering me. It is seemingly my inability to tune out those painful words of discouragement, those rotten self-image-issues, those lies from the trench of hell that have a mysterious way of surrounding me like a cloud.

When life is in order and I feel like I am truly pushing through the discontent of everyday life I am somehow able to receive a second wind like a marathon runner and finish whatever the task is with immense strength and success. I don’t want to have such a mentality and strength only when life is ‘smooth’ and there is little ‘resistance.’ I desire to live a life of a godly man; but if my character is twisted and shifted so drastically with the minor details; how will I hold up when life really hits me hard again? As a sixteen-year-old youth I watched the only love of my life, my amazing father Jon Strength sit on a hospital bed and be fried by a series of eleven or so massive strokes. I watched on as my dad lost his movement on the left side, then the right, then he lost his vision, then he lost his ability to understand, then he lost his ability to speak, then he couldn’t even grab my hand. I watched as the doctors ran in and out with various machines and cables and power tools; I watched my dad be absolutely manhandled by every tool known to the medical field. Sixteen years old; I was alone. My family could never understand my pain; no one could. I didn’t even cry once for the first two months. I never missed a day of classes; none of my close friends had a clue. Then, one afternoon I was playing my playstation and it hit me that he was never going to walk through that door to give me a hug and kiss, to tell me he loved me, to hold me in his arms and tell me everything was going to be alright; that was over. My life was over as I knew it. That was pain.

Yet I sit here in the comfort now of my bible college dorm room with Christmas lights blinking away and my candle warmer putting off a bold pumpkin pie scent; some Michael Buble playing in the background, the light peeking in from behind my curtains. After a month of incredibly painful migraines; a car accident that has twisted me like a pretzel; and still the pain is there. But I know I can overcome this pain because God told me that He would never put me through something I couldn’t.

Truthfully I often find myself questioning God’s promises. When it’s two a.m. and I am rolling around on the floor of my dorm room in tears from the pain of yet another migraine; I wonder where God is. When my back went into spasms last night as a result from the extreme twisting and shifting it went through the night before; I was looking for God. I was searching for God in my discomfort; as was Job when he was tested. I haven’t so far and pray that I never would react as Job did to his ultimate pain and tribulations: “And whom God has hedged in? For my sighing comes before I eat, and my groanings pour out like water. For the thing I greatly feared has come upon me. And what I dreaded ahs happened to me. I am not at ease, nor am I quiet. I have no rest, for trouble comes (Job 3:24-26).” It’s known to all who read Job that his faithfulness to God was unblemished; but when true trials and tribulations came he crumbled. I wonder at times why I would be above that. Is it not true that pride come before the fall? I find myself quite comfortable at times in my failure to find contentment; bathing in my narcissism. It may happen behind a curtain but it does happen.

As life progresses and the good and the bad come I see that God is good and faithful despite how I am. He remains still through pain and quite through chaos; the opposite of all I seem to be. To rely on the opposite; to trust in that which doesn’t come natural; that is faith to me. When I look unto Jesus, the author and finisher of my faith I am both comforted and concerned. Comforted in His love of me, comforted in the fact He would never leave me nor forsake me. I am concerned because His Word spoke of the persecution that would infect the saints: “All who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution (2^nd Timothy 3:12).” It wasn’t a suggestion that pain and strife would come; it was a guarantee. As assured I am in the face He came, died, and rose again. I am also assured in the truth that the worse of my struggles are still to come. I am ultimately content in this though: “He who is in you is greater that he who is in the world (1 John 4:4).”

I really feel like so often I want to cover up my flaws and discomforts from those who love me. But, I woke up this morning and realized that I’ve been telling myself that being real just bog’s others down; that is crazy. If I am going to go through this life and only talk about the good then I will appear just as I’ve been; fake. People can call me a downer or a whiner if they’d like but I’ve gone through my fair share of dramatically destructive events in my life and don’t feel like allowing all of my hurt, pain, and grief to go to waste. I heard it stated once at a youth summer camp that, “God will never waste suffering!” I couldn’t see it logical that a just, loving, and sovereign God would allow me to endure such hardships to not use the lessons learned to minister to those around me.

Ah, that was a really long blog.

I guess there is more to come. My life right now seems very scattered and disorganized. I want to just believe that everything is going smoothly but I can tell its not. I can honestly say I am struggling with life and the loads of junk that come with it. But struggling is part of the fight; I didn’t say I was giving up and I didn’t say I was losing, because I’m not quitting and I won’t lose. I read Revelation once: my side wins.

Catch Ya’ Later World,

I will blog more later when my hands regain feeling and circulation…