Inward-Internal-Inertia

It has been such an incredibly long time since I've actually blogged it feels like all this time has been wasted. Although I journal often and am probably what could legally be considered an addict I know that theirs something about sharing my words with others that brings me a sense of completeness and intense fulfillment.

I am absolutely trapped in this current state of being. For as much as I vigorously attempt to plan out the future I cannot break out of the restraints that hold me in this temporal place of thought. The true and genuine desire to break out and find a sense of newness and adventure has been pulling me in every direction; some sort of ancient stretch-wheel torture tactic from within.

The more I think the more I process and the more I process the less sure I become. About anything. Often times everything. The sad ability to be such an extremist is either a blessing or a curse; depending primarily on the given date of its occurrence. I have for so long desired to be so much more than the a-typical individual. The utterly0-unquenchable chase after holistic excellence has only infiltrated some particular parts of my life; leaving many a places within me feeling incredibly dissatisfied.

I feel like it’s unnecessary and unjustified in its attempts to find me illegitimate. I'm a term away from graduating and less than 2 years away from achieving a masters degree; a life long dream.

But, why is it that this when we get so close to what we've always fought for that drive, that passion, that untamed persistence within us is somehow dampened by the reality of it all. Perhaps it comes from setting up normative circumstances in life and operating within minimal diligence so often that we understand not what it truly is to fight. We fail to recognize greatness because for so long in our hearts, minds, and spirits have beckoned mediocrity.

Mediocrity. Is that what I've worked this hard and this long for? The norm? Have I spent 22 years of enduring grief that few have the opportunity to go through for a settlement with the average? It is astronomically debilitating to consider for even a nanosecond that I have some how allowed the thought of insignificance sneak into the avenue of my future and mug me with a sense of inability or weak-minded-fragility.

Greatness. I can stand that nimble and ineffable conceptual idolatry that tells you, that tells me that we 'have' to come to a position of compromise with the belief that we exists primarily to 'exist.'. This thought that the only reason my matter fills this inertia-basket and that my lungs rob the globe of good oxygen is so that I can merely live? So that I can function within a cage of inadequacy for eternity?

Maybe I've spent too much time the last six months thinking about how screwed up I am. Perhaps I've spent too many a countless hours up late at night alone asking if life will ever get better. Will I ever have questions to the answers that plague my heart? Will God, in my time of weakness ever rear his head for long enough for me to know He's with me?

Will people ever quit destroying me with betrayal? Will those who are close to me ever breach the normative gates of comfort-ability and open them selves up before me in blind-vulnerability and give me a chance to see that I'm not alone. Will this promise of God for a partner ever become a reality? This inevitable-singleness that haunts a heart desiring love cannot truly endure more years upon years of such drought can it?

I guess from one perspective this whole blog seems scattered and unnecessarily downcast. For those reading it and for me, the guy who wrote it. But I attest it is neither. Isn’t this what we owe ourselves? Is this not what the world needs? A few voices of dangerous transparency to alarm those in hiding that it’s safe to burst fourth and find freedom...seek after revelation and completeness. I don't want to live my life under a blanket of fear. I have no need to hide who I am before god or before people.

I am raw from being seasoned in life through trials. I am raw from pain and pleasure that been mixed like a bad bloody marry. I've been fooled many a times into believing that this is a stage. No longer will I dwell within this false realty that freedom comes in the form of release of pressure; for it is under pressure that Gold is refined. This work of beauty that God is forming within me is one that needs chipping, needs breaking, and above all ultimately needs restoration. Redemption from a fallen nature. Recovery from a life of let down. Reconciliation from an identity that molded the sickness in my heart, the pain in my mind, and the discontent in my spirit. I need a big God to deal with my big issues. I need a real savior to wash away some really big sins. I need a potent faith for an incapable being. I need so much of him and so little of me.