dont appease to please

I've been struggling to decide what to write about these past few days. Life is deceiving often times. More often than not things are going in a diametrically-opposed-direction to what we wish they were. But, then again, what do we know. I am glad that things don't always go the way I planned them; if they did I'd probably be rich and have a fancy automobile, like a Kia or something, you know, a foreign car. I know better than thinking things will go as planned anyway. I've learned through years of opting into Plan "B", that often times we must chameleon ourselves into the nooks and crannies of life.

Confrontation verses cowardice has always been a battle; not just for me, but for all of you as well. I'm much more prone to confrontation because I'm stubborn. It often times has absolutely nothing to do with the potential of being right, often times, the opposite is truer. Cowardice hasn't been much of a problem to me. Although, it may have saved me several black eyes and some ounces of dignity as a young man. However, I've always been mightily-quick to speak my mind; often times spending 20% spilling my thoughts and the other 80% of the conversation apologizing or explaining myself. I don't think I'm necessarily off so much as often times severely misunderstood.

I have been known to have immense-difficulties keeping my mouth shut when I witness something I disapprove of. Example? Hypocrisy. I have discovered over the past few years that their are several things that will make me lose my cool; that is most assuredly one of them. My friends are a highly-diversified group of individuals; they come from all over the world, and from many different backgrounds. I didn't grow up around Christians; nor are most of my friends such. However, I've noticed in the past few years that they tend to be the most boisterous; often times not in areas that involve love or grace, which you'd think would be a few of their favorites. I'm not attempting to bash anyone specifically but more so to point out a specific area I've failed to understand as of lately.

In reverse, the rest of the world, especially the atheists/agnostics always find a need to dibble dabble into things regarding Christianity. I'm not saying we shouldn't cross lines and be involved argumentatively or in debates with one another. However, I do find it ironically-comical however that both sides tend to feel like they are the authoritative voice about the opposition. I think that each has their right, but more importantly, the idea of listening to one another should take precedence over debating, maybe many of the questions would be answered by listening. Just a thought I suppose.

Everyone has a voice. Not everyone gets heard. I heard someone say a while back its better to be, "rich and arrogant than poor and insecure..."Obviously, it's one of those pick one or pick all situations, not the easiest to interpret. I understand what they're saying through this phrase, and I sadly agree. However, I'd rather not be arrogant at all, clearly. One important thing to keep in mind is that if we are all so busy chattering and blabbering our thoughts and opinions we ought to be cautious of who we are silencing. I'm not necessarily referencing other people, so much as other aspects of ourselves. Are we so caught up in talking that we aren't even listening to ourselves talk? What message are we sending?


I've been called out a lot lately, surprisingly enough. Friends have been asking me frequently about my life and what I've been up to. It's a tough question to answer. I'm not on par with my life goals; nor do I feel like I'm where I want to be. I don't own any islands yet. I'm not married to a Russian speaking super-model. I don't have fat-wads of doe to blow. But, then again, are any of us where we're supposed to be? I guess I could sell all my possessions and start an orphanage to feed hungry children in Africa. That would be noble, right? I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm not a completed project. So, if your not content with the product I've turned out to be, it's very simple, return it. In other words, if I'm not pleasing you and your every need and that legitimately bugs you, please, I insist, move on. No need to wait for little old Ben (not little), he'll catch up eventually to your prolific prowess of awesomeness, in due time.

I don't mean to be harsh. But, if I can speak bluntly, I've let you all down. And, if somehow I haven't, just give me enough time, I most surely will. Life often times is one big disappointment after another. However, it's how you bounce back from those and shift into the success that follows that makes you tough. I know that I've got thick skin on a lot of rigid and raw areas of life; however, let down is not one of those. It breaks my heart when I feel like I've let people down. I'm not the good and white-shirt Christian many of you wish I was. I attend church often times out of necessity more than desire. I'd rather swear than swear not for the most part. And, to be utterly-truthful, being around Christians too much makes me nervous. Nothing within me barks out a need to appease, nor a need to please, so their is no point in attempting to through force or strain to bring such a feeling to the forefront of my desires, just to see everyone else happy, and me depressed. I know that I've got a defense mechanism within me, it's called selfishness, and I am working round-the-clock to disarm it, just be patient or move on, that's all I'm asking of you, and I say it with love in my heart and hope in my eyes.