what is success. to me?

I've reached somewhat of a low lately, on a mental-emotional-physical level. Coming to the bitter-realization that for so long I've striven for success on such a narrow pinpoint I've come up short; repeatedly. I've sat by as a bystander, a mere-witness to the immense success of those around me here in beautiful and materialistic so-cal. Thankfully, I've fallen upon a few unique opportunities and have had the testicular-fortitude to pursue them; thus far its cost me more than its comped me. Although, I can without doubt or fear, that I've learned more in these past six-months than the four-years prior.

I've felt guilty for years as a Christian because of my desire to have a nice house, a nice car, a healthy bank-account. Living life in pursuit of success and simultaneously fearing it's truth could ruin me. Living in a shadow of those before me, perhaps a lack of success would suit me better? All these lies I've not believed mentally, but been ingrained with emotionally. An inherent lack of excellence on levels where such is assumed for many, I took laziness for granted and chose not to be proactive about being great; but settled on average.

However, spending free days, and work days, in places like Beverly Hills, Santa Monica, Malibu, Hollywood, sparks one to wonder. How? Is it inherited? Is it earned? Is it a little bit of column A & a little bit of column B? I've allowed myself after a stint at an average-school, in an average city, living an average life, becoming accustomed to the mundane and monotonous life. Always having felt a deep draw to something bigger than myself; I have constantly compromised greatness for normality, excellence for simplicity, and success for stability.

I started taking some risks a few months back when I got involved in a start-up company. I learned more in six-months on that job then I've ever learned before. Found out more about myself than I thought was ever there. And, most importantly, I sacrificed the normality, simplicity, and stability for a shot at success; many would say I failed. I thought I failed. I felt failure. I was bombarded by questions from friends and family. Had dreams of despair and nightmares that constantly reminded me of my failure. However, close counsel constantly assured me otherwise and I think I heard it out.

Here I sit a month or so after my departure from my first true business endeavor. Feelings of nostalgia and hysteria flood my mind. Constantly surveying myself to decide if I'm truly ready for the path carved out for me. Am I ready to chose success? Am I willing to sacrifice my selfishness and laziness for greatness and success? I doubt it can be answered from a broken wooden chair in a dim-lit coffee shop. I think the answer for this question is already permeating from my being, the future will unfold and the story be told, and I'll be a mere piece to the puzzle, hopefully contributing to this world something greater than myself.