The Wicked-Fragility

I often times find myself in circumstances as such; life as I know is average. This rigid lifestyle, filled with appointments, classes, and religious events leaves me seemingly empty and utterly-dissatisfied. As I sit up at the cross here at Eugene Bible College in Eugene, Oregon the scene here sets one up to ponder. The bitter-night's wind catches the back of my hoody and tosses it too and fro as I gaze upward towards the obnoxiously bright outline of a cross; the lights covered with cobwebs and such yet still remains a symbol of serenity, beautiful in and of itself. My eyes slowly adjust to the tree line where I notice how empty the forest seems at night. By merely gazing into the abyss one would have no idea of the life that lies therein; so it is with my walk with God.

I notice that in a postmodern culture such as ours the true expression of a godly man is seen in the outward expression of religious action; shaking babies and kissing mothers, doing all the right things. When I think about the performance-based mentality that thrives in our generation my stomach turns and leaves me feeling sick and unworthy. Unworthy of recognition and unworthy of love. The most complex issue with this is that this isn't how God judges; His measuring rod is not one that disqualifies and rejects, its one that qualifies and blesses.

The clouds seem as if their just sliding over the building tops of our college admin building. In between the clouds the stark-lit stars can be seen quite vividly. I notice that one thing that sets nature outside of all other things is its consistency. Regardless of the circumstantial state of its being the stars light remains visible to us even after thousands of years after its existence has faded. Millions of the stars that are spread thickly over the vast-blanket-black sky have already exploded and are no longer even 'in-existence'. Yet, because the miracle of God's creativity they still shine through-and-through; consistent.

I want to be such with God. After I breathe my last breath here on this earth I don't want to be forgotten; I want what God's done in me to shine for all generations. I'm not referring to my personal life and the things accomplished therein; rather I'm talking about the eternal influence that the Father allowed me to have on this temporary home. I want truly nothing else from this often time's mediocre-and-unfulfilling life than to leave this world a better place then I found it. That goal can only be accomplished by investing into eternity; people.

As I descend the stairs that lead to the cross I begin to realize that my life as of lately has been so chaotic and shallow. My relationships have suffered so greatly since my accident; I can't blame it on the pain but it sure takes its toll. I find myself reacting so vicariously and notice myself getting offended now more than ever. Such reactions can really be detrimental to the hearts of those close to you. Theirs nothing worse than someone not being themselves; it makes you feel uncomfortable and unsure around them. I say this because I notice the degree in which my walk with the Father has suffered over the last six months for these very same reasons.

I can see about a hundred yards down the hill and the rest is fog. I can vaguely make out the rain crashing through the fog but to my surprise the fog remains unscathed by the thunderous waters pouring over it. I used to believe this was how my faith in the Lord was; then the rain came. Would I say their have been times of doubt as of lately? Of course. Could I say their have been times like tonight where darkness seems inevitable; consistent in its return? Naturally. As a faith-filled believer I made the crucial mistake of feeling invincible; this ultimately leaves one feeling invisible. I notice in my heart that the drought doesn't slowly make its way into being; it hits you when you least expect it.

I guess if I'd expected such a blanket of spiritual depravity I could have better prepared myself for it right? Wrong. I don't think that I can go hide some faith tokens and dig em' out when the tough times come. I am finding out the hard way that the only valuable resource in trials is consistency. Waking up everyday and still praying. Still reading the Word. Still worshiping. Doing all of these often mundane & monotonous religious acts not for habitual sake; but more so because the results are guaranteed. "Those who earnestly seek Me with all their hearts will find Me." I'd be lying to say that I feel good about my relationship with God; that's simply not the truth. I feel that my lover is on sabbatical and I'm left to bask in the sun-scorched driveway because I locked my keys in the damn house again.

God isn't slow to His promises but I sure wish the Bible gave a more solid definition of timeliness. I'm not waiting on a miracle; I'm waiting on a God who makes miracles happen. I guess when you look at the big picture its one of the few things in life that are genuinely, "worth waiting for."

As I walk the final stretch down the driveway towards my dorm room I notice the clouds have stealthily rolled over the hills and the clear night exposes the night-piercing light-birthing sun-of-the-dark. The moon brings a sense of accomplishment for some odd reason; I think it verifies the end of a cycle. The day has passed and the night takes its place; I'm waiting on God to take His place, complete this cyclical course. The one last difficulty is it must be my true-hearts desire to give Him the place of highest honor and undivided praise; a worthy place for a worthy God.

So, I've got nothing else to do after a night like tonight but doze off and remember that tomorrows a new day and as the night will soon fade into the morning; this drought will soon fade also and the living waters that will come fourth will be the answer to the questions that this heart needs answered.

I love you Lord and I want to not care what others do and say but when the curtain closes and the day ends their words and actions take such a vicious toll on my character. Help me Father to build up a wall of faith and certainty in your promises to fend off the tricks & schemes of the enemy. I want to be strong in the things of you; make my will weak and yours overbearing. You are God and I am not, "help me decrease so that you may increase."